Before She Left…

We Humans are very funny and pitiable beings. The unpredictable nature of death make us so vulnerable to the probable and improbable universe. Planning ahead of time and there comes your end. We live and plan in a very idealistic world where nothing bad can happen. I’ll do this and that and life will be all simple and perfect as I plan, and all the plans seems to disappear into thin air when the ultimate plan start performing it’s acts. You know we should take life as a business venture. Always running a SWOT analysis before taking some bold wild step, risking things and living the return, expecting the worst and best simultaneously. This life is full of unpredictable and unexpected consequences that we would have never thought of. A happy life turns into miserable fate within no lapse. This can both turn someone strong or loss his faith over his acts completely. Difference lies in the account of taking things in the right or wrong manner. So what if this life involves such unexpectedness, we should be courageous enough to face any dire circumstances it throws upon us.

I lost a beautiful person recently. I wasn’t expecting anything like it. No one ever does. I never thought I was close to her, not until the day before she met her Creator.

She was shifted from ICU to general ward just a few hours ago. I was sitting beside her, looking at her fragile body. Thinking about her adventurous journey from a happy women to a struggling women to this unfathomable weakness and never-ending array of sickness. She doesn’t seems fine. My uncle came, two people accompanying him. One of them seems quiet peculiar. Anyways, he was the one giving some spiritual treatment to her. With all the moral uplift, he seems to bring a hope to her. She was smiling, not the kind of smile after a joke. But a serene smile with a hint of irony. He told her she’ll be home soon (and he was right, but not the way he said).

They left after she was given her daily course medicines. And she slept a few minutes later after having tea and watching a bit of cable TV in her room. I was up, was using my phone, checking out different social networks etc. Later, she was breathing loud, and noisily. She was calling ‘ALLAH’ (GOD ALMIGHTY) and ‘amma’ (mom in Urdu) after every while. She was groaning due to pain. I asked her what’s wrong, she told she’s having problem with her breathing. I waited for some time, then asked a nurse to check her condition. She woke, nurse gave her nebulizer and some injections. Which gave her a relief for some time, then she slept. I was up late, a few minutes on tab and then slept without realizing.

Woke up around fajr (morning prayer), went for it. It was cold outside. Came back, she was again surrounded by the nurses. They were giving her the medicines. Then someone brought hospital’s breakfast. She had tea, some bread and egg albumen. She was behaving normal. Watching a drama on HUMTV and commenting on some actress’s acting. I was glad. Sign of recovery, I thought. Then she slept after sometime. May be those medicines brings drowsiness. I was sitting just beside her. After a few hours she began calling ‘amma’ and ‘ALLAH’ again. She started weeping slowly. I felt my eyes diluted. Nurse came, same procedure as last night. But no relief this time. They called the docs. I kept sitting there, holding her hand and calming her. Reciting any dua (prayers) and verses I can remember. I was feeling like a worthless being, as I was unable to do anything about her pain, except to pray. I can never ever forget her voice at that time. She was telling me “faran, I am feeling too much pain to handle What am I supposed to do!?” I just told her “be strong!!” and gathered all my courage not to cry… I kept praying…

Doctor came with kind of a whole platoon, gave his juniors a bit of direction. Gave her some soothing agents I’m not aware of. But it did not calm her pain. She still felt agitated. I called my uncle before and told him, her condition. He arrived after I asked nurse to call the docs again. As she was still in the same condition.

They told us we have to shift her back to ICU. She was shifted before I left. She seems even more ill, when she’s in ICU.  She gestured me to stay and gave me her hand, I sat. But the nurses in charge asked me not to touch her or sit here long. I left a few hours later. I have never and can never speak about that time with her with anyone. It makes me lose control over my eyes…

I felt connected to her, even after coming back home. It was as if something was left with her. Her voice, her face keeps playing inside my mind. The impact of the visit was undeniable. A day after that, she passed away… She’s a brave person, very hardworking, down to earth with a beautiful soul. Ever smiling and ever caring. Making compromises and dealing with such severe pains that only a few could endeavor.

 

Some souls are always connected. Distance doesn’t matter to them. The purity of a relation comes directly or indirectly from the connection of the souls. But sometimes you never knew you had something like that until it’s too late, and you cannot do anything about it. Her voice always starts ringing inside my mind, whenever I pray for, or think about her.

The system can obviously run after you, as it was working before you. A single person does not create a loop hole. As it would collapse it eventually. But yes things change! It does bring a hollowness inside out. An unfilled void, for the people close to your presence, to your warmth and comfort. Take care of them in your own way. Try not to regret… until it’s too late!!

Unsettling Thoughts…

Rays of Actions...

Rays of Actions…

As mysterious as one might look like, sometimes I’m convinced they’ll be rather more surprising from inside. There comes moments almost daily in our life, when we are thinking on more than one topic at a time (voluntarily or not). It’s a gift of Mother Nature, or for some it could be a curse. We think a lot. In fact a lot of lot. The capacity and mechanism of human thinking is beyond our understanding. We cannot get rid of the thoughts segment of our brain. It’s ever charged, and ever working and ever creating its own fantasies (even while we are asleep). Which raises a question. Why do we have these inescapable, unnerving thoughts??? (Later about that…). We can always try, find and join those bits and pieces of information coming down upon us through different channels of our senses. Those are all inspirations…

Since birth till the transition, I think I have lost tons of precious time in obtaining nothing! It’s quite difficult to convince how, but I can affirmatively say that I was unable to think till I moved to the new city (I talked about in the earlier blog). I’m not sure how or when it occurred to me that I can think, but it was one of those beautiful feelings that one can never stop thanking GOD ALMIGHTY for. It’s like opening up of new horizons and possibilities that you have never ever imagined, nor believed to exist. Not just in the academics, but out of that four cornered building. I literally discovered myself and my CREATOR for the first time. Who am I, what’s I’m here for. What is the meaning of being alive, what’s true, what’s fake, human emotions: jealousy; love; enmity. It was not like I slept one night and when I opened my eyes, the world was different for me. No! It took a long way to learn, and it is still going on. I can never stop thanking ALLAH Almighty for opening the doors of blessings in the form of knowingness for me, the true understanding of life itself. I’m under perpetual gratitude and servitude. Those were the days I started to re-live my life. Although physically you would ask how? And I would be unable to answer, but the transition was more of metaphysical and spiritual than materialistic. And NO ONE would understand it until it has happened to his/herself. And I kept silent, until I met what seems like a mirror (a better mirror I must add) image of myself, one of the beautiful person I still have in my life (I’ll talk about it sometimes later).

Reading the lines of my first proper storybook “A boy from Makkah” by Muhammad Abdo Yamani. The words as if forming a complete new stage from my imagination, creating details and live size images inside my head, for every character, every scene. The first proper novel I read was Khuda ki Basti (Land of GOD) by Shaukat Siddiqi, a master piece of storytelling, roller-coaster of emotions and incredible detailing of both the characters, locations and scenes. Then later the ever wonderful J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. It was a visual paradise for me. Creating a magical world of my own, (I never saw its movies before starting the series). It was always captivating. I’m a slow reader. Sometimes reading the same page for like 4-5 times until and unless it makes an image out of itself. I enjoy words like that. That’s my style of enjoying art and especially literature.

I personally feel that it’s almost impossible for me to shut my thoughts (and of course the senses too). Yes, the focal point can be changed, which comes from certain exercises. But still, it is too difficult. I do not have an analogy to perfectly define the case. To give a very mundane idea about it, take the example of Bella, yes Bella from Twilight. When she was turned into a vampire, the power of her senses increases several hundred times, i.e. listening, hearing, smelling and seeing more. This transition was presented in a very superficial and comical way. But if you consider it as a slow & gradual process, it does happen with humans (not the part where they start drinking blood :P).

We all have definitely experienced the feeling, while coming back from work on a silent road, while taking small sips of a hot drink sitting in a lawn or gallery enjoying nature, even while sitting on (this one is funny) a toilet seat or whenever we are alone somewhere. Our senses seems to increase. We can feel, hear and see more (even more than what is actually real). So coming to a conclusion, the thoughts are always there during the whole day but when we start focusing, we start making sense out of it. We began to comprehend it, rather than letting go of these inspirations.

Inspirations can be both blessing and a motivation, determining the course of action we move upon in response to that specific stimulus. At the same time inspirations could be both lethal and destructive. The difference lies in our attitude. How do we absorb those inspirations (the overall thoughts as a whole) can amplify our productivity and can bring behavioral changes in us. We all have observed e.g. while reading some beautiful poetry; or listening to a romantic song; or observing a well detailed surreal photograph, it moves you! It brings a change in us. Directly influencing our emotions. That’s a direct impact. Indirectly the thoughts that I discussed earlier, those random and on-going stream of information going by our senses, throughout the day (sort of short term memories), can create an impact as well. It all depends upon the individual, how s/he absorbs those inspirations and make the best use of it. In the end… keep thinking, it’s healthy, and be inspired, it’s fun! 🙂

(6:56 pm Jan 17, 2014)

P.S. for each blog post I’m adding a photograph that I took sometime, somewhere, connecting to that particular feelings and describing the mood.